i am so fucking messed up.

for the time being, have i lost my capacity to love?

without the heart, what--if anything-is a human? if dead inside, how can one keep going through the motions, to keep up the appearance of real life?

I wantwantwanttokillmyself.

I am not attracted to E sexually. He is not sexy to me. And yet I am attracted to him emotionally, as a person. I would have had the hottest relationship of my life if he were a girl.

Instead, I'm stuck feeling all the necessary emotions for a good relationship. minus one.

I feel broken-hearted that I ended what we had, but is that because I miss him, or just that I miss having anyone at all?

I feel that even though we may be the best of friends now, he won't be a big part of my life if we aren't involved romantically; and the thought of this kills me. 

I want him in my life.

O betrayed my trust Saturday night.

I was having fun, getting tied up; my hands were tied over my head and behind my back. O helped out after I was tied up by dripping wax on me, and it was nice. Better than nothing, essentially. I had specifically asked to be tied up, and to have wax.

But O took advantage of my vulnerable position to bite me savagely in three places, without warning or asking. And far, far harder than my limits (which she knows, which I set out clearly when we were still together).

That sort of thing is abuse.

And although I know intellectually it isn't my fault, I still feel horrible. I want to curl up into myself and disappear from the world.

"First the heart dies. Then the body dies."

I want to die.

I so desperately want to give in.

I can't even stand to look at O anymore.

We're trying to be friends, although I don't have a good track record in this area. It isn't so bad when I talk to her over email and cell phone messages, but when I see her face to face is a different matter entirely.

When I see her, in an instant, I'm so much in love with her again.
I tried so hard to tell myself, repeat the litany of all the ways she hurt me. To kill off the feelings of love; but not only love, now, but love and loss. I would give the world to hold her close again. To even be able to allow myself that much...

I went to a goth/fetish event last night with E, and knew I would meet O there. She brought a bag of all the things I'd left in her apartment; she also had made a beautiful hair accessory, black with ribbons and roses and beads and chains, to wear on the right side of my head. I returned it to her at the end of the night, as I was only...a model, for her. So unless she wanted to show off her work, she generally kept her distance.

Or was it me who kept such a distance? I did my best not to see her. Blessedly, the club was three floors, which made it easy to slink away. So I wouldn't have to talk to her, and talking to her remember that now I can't reach out to her, now I can't simply hold her and be.

It was so hard to control myself going home. I walked to the train station with E, O, and another friend; it took me so much effort just to stay upright and walk without either screaming or collapsing. Our friend stopped just outside the station to buy a drink from a vending machine, yet my self-control was wearing so thin I couldn't--I couldn't wait, because O was waiting as well...I turned when E asked me to wait, said, "I'm going home now," choking up on the last word.

I almost left alone a few times that night. I am very glad I didn't.

How does E feel? about the things that tear me up inside? He knows, as well as anyone outside a relationship can, everything between O and I. He knows my feelings, and my present confusion in terms of sexuality. He deserves a partner who isn't bringing baggage to the table. He needs a partner who can just be happy--not someone who still martyrs herself for her own romance with self-destruction.

So I've a bit of a problem on my hands.

I've just come out of a relationship with O, my first girlfriend. It was wonderful while it lasted, but there was nothing to help the breakup; I can't be with her, though I regret that I can't love her.

I've started trying to date my best friend, E, who is male. He has all the qualities I'd want in a partner...and I've dated men before, I thought that I could just go back to being with a man. But things aren't that easy...I've known I was at least bisexual since high school, yet never had the courage to break social norms until recently. Anyway...having finally having had the courage to admit to myself a bit more of what my sexuality actually is, and trimming away the falseness and self-denial imbued in me by my upbringing, I'm not sure anymore whether I want to have relationships with boys.

I wonder if I made a big mistake in dating him. All I want is a girlfriend; somehow I've found myself with a boyfriend instead, a guy I get along well with, who has plenty of wonderful qualities--yet, if only he was a girl! I feel like I should be with him, as I have no one else right now, and it makes him happy. More than anything, I don't want to hurt him.

I...think...I'm still attracted to (very few) males, and we do have a good time when we're together. I enjoy being around him.

I still wish I had a girlfriend instead. If I found a girl like him, I would fall head over heels in love. It seems so superficial, doesn't it, that I'm not happy with him just because he's in the wrong body?